I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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