omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
