I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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