why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
