It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
