I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
