You can't motorboat a personality
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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