In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
