Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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