In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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