wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
