VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
