Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
false alarm. still invincible.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
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