Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
