Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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