he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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