im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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