Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
3pm strippers are depressing
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
