I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
