oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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