Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
