I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
