I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize