Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
