I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
