4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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