I am in a vortex of obligation.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
