Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
