Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
