I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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