Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
