the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
