I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
