Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
