I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
