Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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