does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize