Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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