Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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