I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
