pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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