Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
