Umm I'm too high to move.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
