The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
