If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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