I love black thongs
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
