cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
