I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
