On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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