I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize