I seem to have left my pride at pride
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
