I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
