i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
