Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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