so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
