i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
