Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
