i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
