Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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