I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
