I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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