It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
