Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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