she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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