We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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