im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
