shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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