I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
